Friday, February 4, 2011

Ugh! work totally kicked my ass today. and i still have errands to run. my feet hurt soooo much. i want tacos.

Oh why do I feel this way....

Should I try to hide
the way I feel inside
my heart
for you

would you say that you
would try to love me too
in your mind
could you ever be
really close to me
I can tell the way you smile

if I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight

but till I can see
that you'd really care for me
I will dream
that someday you'll be
really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
if i feel that I
can be certain then
I could say the things I want to say tonight

but till I can see
that you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hid the way I feel inside.
- the zombies.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Ramones

Its been so long since I've heard this song. So many awesome memories as a teen. Its so crazy how I grew up listening to all these amazing punk bands that no one my age cared for. I'm glad for my eclectic taste in music.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Family Fotos

Theres nothing more fun or more nostalgic than  digging through the family photos. I cannot believe all the memories I've forgotten! Heres some of me as a kid.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Relationships or lack thereof.

I've been single for roughly three months. It's been pretty rough emotionally. I always look back on the end of that relationship and can only feel perplexed and hurt at how much I gave to him and how little he cared or loved me.  I was always loyal and ever so loving. I feel so belittled and sick about the way I was treated. I would of done anything to keep him, despite the person he has become. I cried endlessly over him. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I washed his clothes, I drove him to work, I did a lot of things I'm slightly embarrassed about in bed with him, I never spent money on myself just so he could have whatever he wanted. I could never vent about shit that bothered me when I was having a crappy day. He only took it like I was angry with him. Any time he was hurting I was always there to comfort him. Did I get that in return? Rarely. I could never go away with friends/family for the day or even the weekend without feeling tremendous pressure by his being irritated. I felt so trapped.
All I ever wanted was to have someone to love and to be loved back. Somehow in the end I actually felt a huge sense of relief when he broke up with me. I was so happy to move back home to my family.  Though the first couple weeks I was devastated to see how happy he seemed without me. I could not for the life of me figure out why. I've been getting by fine alone. But god, there are times when I'd do most anything just for affection. :(
Just to be held, and be told everything will be alright. Someone to say "I Love You" and really mean it. I only want someone to be carefree with, doing anything and everything we want without interference. I feel in myself that I am a truly good person. When I love someone I mean it. Maybe thats my problem. I don't know...

Drinkin it up.

Had such an awesome night! It was my friends birthday, so we got all fucked up at the Starline Grill in Tower. It was pretty chill. I had four jello shots, Midori Sours, and a Malibu Sunrise. That put me nearly over the edge. Plus some dude almost picked a fight with a curtain.

Victoria and me.
Me, Vic and Sofi.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm posting mobile bitches!


I'm not really a blogger or anything, but I thought about it. I have a lot of opinions and feelings. I have never had a diary before in my life, never was commited enough. I decided that since this past year, in which I have experienced horrible/distressing events, I ought to start one for a new year. So much has changed in my life. I want to remember these moments. This last year, my fiancee whom I've been with for six years broke up with me, I had to move back home with my family. I've had quite a disconcerting, stressful time adjusting to being single and alone. I was quite torn up inside about it. As the days turned to weeks, then to months I've found it easier to move on. Except the few moments when I had to face him again. I felt fine. As soon as we met up, all those emotions came rushing back and I was in tears. I cried myself to sleep alot. I wished desperately that he would still love me. I grew to resent him for everything. Everything I have ever done for him, even embarrassing things, lying to people, putting myself in danger. We broke up mid October 2010. As much as I wanted to deny to myself that anything was wrong in our relationship, I needed to face the facts. I was consistently stressed out, easily angry with him, in financial distress and sex was nauseating. As desperately I wanted it to work, it never could. I've decided that I no longer wish to ever make up with him, and as much as it pains me, I don't want to even be friends. I moved back home to my family mid November. It was such a hard adjustment, and I felt like I didn't even know my family anymore. I felt left out of the jokes, the love, and I felt like such an idiot for needing to come home. I felt like a failure. Time went on and I feel closer to my family than ever before. I finally have time for just myself, I spend money on myself. I spend alot more time with my friends, so much time I abandoned for my ex. I'm comfortable talking to boys now. Really, just everyone in general. I am so much happier, a lot more mellow. Though I always have those days, where all I want is someone to love, and someone to love me. Just a little comfort.... My favorite way of describing this is in a quote by Marilyn Monroe. "It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."