Sunday, January 30, 2011

Relationships or lack thereof.

I've been single for roughly three months. It's been pretty rough emotionally. I always look back on the end of that relationship and can only feel perplexed and hurt at how much I gave to him and how little he cared or loved me.  I was always loyal and ever so loving. I feel so belittled and sick about the way I was treated. I would of done anything to keep him, despite the person he has become. I cried endlessly over him. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I washed his clothes, I drove him to work, I did a lot of things I'm slightly embarrassed about in bed with him, I never spent money on myself just so he could have whatever he wanted. I could never vent about shit that bothered me when I was having a crappy day. He only took it like I was angry with him. Any time he was hurting I was always there to comfort him. Did I get that in return? Rarely. I could never go away with friends/family for the day or even the weekend without feeling tremendous pressure by his being irritated. I felt so trapped.
All I ever wanted was to have someone to love and to be loved back. Somehow in the end I actually felt a huge sense of relief when he broke up with me. I was so happy to move back home to my family.  Though the first couple weeks I was devastated to see how happy he seemed without me. I could not for the life of me figure out why. I've been getting by fine alone. But god, there are times when I'd do most anything just for affection. :(
Just to be held, and be told everything will be alright. Someone to say "I Love You" and really mean it. I only want someone to be carefree with, doing anything and everything we want without interference. I feel in myself that I am a truly good person. When I love someone I mean it. Maybe thats my problem. I don't know...

No comments:

Post a Comment