Monday, January 31, 2011

Family Fotos

Theres nothing more fun or more nostalgic than  digging through the family photos. I cannot believe all the memories I've forgotten! Heres some of me as a kid.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Relationships or lack thereof.

I've been single for roughly three months. It's been pretty rough emotionally. I always look back on the end of that relationship and can only feel perplexed and hurt at how much I gave to him and how little he cared or loved me.  I was always loyal and ever so loving. I feel so belittled and sick about the way I was treated. I would of done anything to keep him, despite the person he has become. I cried endlessly over him. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I washed his clothes, I drove him to work, I did a lot of things I'm slightly embarrassed about in bed with him, I never spent money on myself just so he could have whatever he wanted. I could never vent about shit that bothered me when I was having a crappy day. He only took it like I was angry with him. Any time he was hurting I was always there to comfort him. Did I get that in return? Rarely. I could never go away with friends/family for the day or even the weekend without feeling tremendous pressure by his being irritated. I felt so trapped.
All I ever wanted was to have someone to love and to be loved back. Somehow in the end I actually felt a huge sense of relief when he broke up with me. I was so happy to move back home to my family.  Though the first couple weeks I was devastated to see how happy he seemed without me. I could not for the life of me figure out why. I've been getting by fine alone. But god, there are times when I'd do most anything just for affection. :(
Just to be held, and be told everything will be alright. Someone to say "I Love You" and really mean it. I only want someone to be carefree with, doing anything and everything we want without interference. I feel in myself that I am a truly good person. When I love someone I mean it. Maybe thats my problem. I don't know...

Drinkin it up.

Had such an awesome night! It was my friends birthday, so we got all fucked up at the Starline Grill in Tower. It was pretty chill. I had four jello shots, Midori Sours, and a Malibu Sunrise. That put me nearly over the edge. Plus some dude almost picked a fight with a curtain.

Victoria and me.
Me, Vic and Sofi.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I'm posting mobile bitches!


I'm not really a blogger or anything, but I thought about it. I have a lot of opinions and feelings. I have never had a diary before in my life, never was commited enough. I decided that since this past year, in which I have experienced horrible/distressing events, I ought to start one for a new year. So much has changed in my life. I want to remember these moments. This last year, my fiancee whom I've been with for six years broke up with me, I had to move back home with my family. I've had quite a disconcerting, stressful time adjusting to being single and alone. I was quite torn up inside about it. As the days turned to weeks, then to months I've found it easier to move on. Except the few moments when I had to face him again. I felt fine. As soon as we met up, all those emotions came rushing back and I was in tears. I cried myself to sleep alot. I wished desperately that he would still love me. I grew to resent him for everything. Everything I have ever done for him, even embarrassing things, lying to people, putting myself in danger. We broke up mid October 2010. As much as I wanted to deny to myself that anything was wrong in our relationship, I needed to face the facts. I was consistently stressed out, easily angry with him, in financial distress and sex was nauseating. As desperately I wanted it to work, it never could. I've decided that I no longer wish to ever make up with him, and as much as it pains me, I don't want to even be friends. I moved back home to my family mid November. It was such a hard adjustment, and I felt like I didn't even know my family anymore. I felt left out of the jokes, the love, and I felt like such an idiot for needing to come home. I felt like a failure. Time went on and I feel closer to my family than ever before. I finally have time for just myself, I spend money on myself. I spend alot more time with my friends, so much time I abandoned for my ex. I'm comfortable talking to boys now. Really, just everyone in general. I am so much happier, a lot more mellow. Though I always have those days, where all I want is someone to love, and someone to love me. Just a little comfort.... My favorite way of describing this is in a quote by Marilyn Monroe. "It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."