Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm not really a blogger or anything, but I thought about it. I have a lot of opinions and feelings. I have never had a diary before in my life, never was commited enough. I decided that since this past year, in which I have experienced horrible/distressing events, I ought to start one for a new year. So much has changed in my life. I want to remember these moments. This last year, my fiancee whom I've been with for six years broke up with me, I had to move back home with my family. I've had quite a disconcerting, stressful time adjusting to being single and alone. I was quite torn up inside about it. As the days turned to weeks, then to months I've found it easier to move on. Except the few moments when I had to face him again. I felt fine. As soon as we met up, all those emotions came rushing back and I was in tears. I cried myself to sleep alot. I wished desperately that he would still love me. I grew to resent him for everything. Everything I have ever done for him, even embarrassing things, lying to people, putting myself in danger. We broke up mid October 2010. As much as I wanted to deny to myself that anything was wrong in our relationship, I needed to face the facts. I was consistently stressed out, easily angry with him, in financial distress and sex was nauseating. As desperately I wanted it to work, it never could. I've decided that I no longer wish to ever make up with him, and as much as it pains me, I don't want to even be friends. I moved back home to my family mid November. It was such a hard adjustment, and I felt like I didn't even know my family anymore. I felt left out of the jokes, the love, and I felt like such an idiot for needing to come home. I felt like a failure. Time went on and I feel closer to my family than ever before. I finally have time for just myself, I spend money on myself. I spend alot more time with my friends, so much time I abandoned for my ex. I'm comfortable talking to boys now. Really, just everyone in general. I am so much happier, a lot more mellow. Though I always have those days, where all I want is someone to love, and someone to love me. Just a little comfort.... My favorite way of describing this is in a quote by Marilyn Monroe. "It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."